Do you have certain phrases that a character says that immediately get your hackles up? For me, it often happens when a romance has been building up so beautifully and the characters have overcome so much and then finally comes the declaration I’ve been waiting for.
Only one of them says, “I’m in love with you” instead of “I love you.”
Every single time I feel let down. And don’t get me started when one says, “I’m in love with you,” and the other goes, “you love me?” Um, NO, that is not what they said.
These phrases mean completely different things. And when the distinction isn’t made in Christian fiction, the disappointment is especially keen. Why?
Well, let’s compare the two.
In love is only the beginning. It’s the butterflies and warm fuzzies and spark that can lead to lasting love, but in love is barely a sprouted seed in a wet paper towel.
I love you goes beyond the chemistry. It says I see you, I choose you. It holds the promise of that sprout growing roots below the soil and unfurling into something beautiful above it.
When I’m reading inspirational or Christian romance, I want my characters to fall in love. Absolutely. Maybe they realize they’re in love and that drives them to later prove the depth of their love. But the true climactic moment needs to be more than that. I want to see how they’ve developed those 1 Corinthians 13 qualities before choosing forever—in other words, is it patient, kind, humble, truthful, and willing to put the other person first?
Being in love is wonderful. But knowing someone loves you—all of you, even the parts you’re afraid to let them see when you’re in love—is glorious. And that’s what makes a truly climactic declaration in any romance. With that kind of love, their happy ending is only the beginning.
Have you given much consideration to the difference between the two phrases in your own reading? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
And real quick before I head out, I wanted to make sure you heard the exciting news! I’ve got a fun, lighthearted novella coming out soon as part of The 80s Rom-Com Club next month! If you love romantic comedies (especially movies from the 1980s!), you’ll love this set. You can pre-order it here.
Until next time, be blessed!
As always, your reply is spot in, Lincoln! I love the word pictures you paint, and your love for your wife is inspiring. Thank you for stopping to read and comment!
Hi, Jaycee! I definitely agree with the distinction and your descriptions. It’s interesting to compare it to other areas of life. I believe that we each need love like we need food and water. A bowl of milk and cereal will keep body and soul together. A freshly made plate of Eggs Benedict with a smooth and creamy hollandaise sauce and a rich brew of coffee with a splash of real cream and some Sugar In The Raw, now THAT is swoon-worthy in the food department!
The choice is vital. But a choice that stops just past keeping love alive (like emotional life support) is one that runs the risk of stopping to choose. A choice that seeks the opportunity to make love a joy for the other is what I think Paul meant in the love chapter. Often, the choice is highlighted because it is made in the face of some failure or flaw on the part of the beloved. Of course that is when the choice seems most difficult. However, it can be just as difficult to choose when we are tempted to be selfish and “in love”. Both can be hard but both choices are the stuff of “I love”.
I want my wife not only to know that I love her but that my love is a source of joy for me AND for her.
And since that kind of love applies to how God would have us to relate to one another in general, we need to choose to act for the highest good of those around us with patience, kindness, hope and trust. In turn we need to respond to others’ commitment to us by acting faithfully, kindly, patiently and with forgiveness and care.
Your very first point, I think, is key. “In love” is self-focused. “I love” is other-focused.
I love the picture of heaven and hell in which hell is described as a great banquet table but the spoons and forks are too long and none of the banqueters can get the sumptuous food to their mouths. They live in agony, surrounded by blessing but are unable to partake. Heaven, on the other hand, is seen to be the very same banquet table. It even has the very same oversized silverware. But, here, the banqueters are using their giant cutlery to reach across the table and feed their fellow guest. They share not only the blessing of the banquet food but also of the care they have for one another.
“The Eggs Benedict and coffee are delicious! The fact that you would make them for me, humbles my heart completely. Thank you!”
It certainly makes you think.
😊
I had never really giving it a thought , but now that you explained it that way it really makes sense and there is a difference. Thank you so much for clarifying this. Have a great day and a great week. God Bless you and your family.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! 😆
I totally agree! I think the being in love is the warm fuzzy feelings we all get when we first fall for someone, but I love you is us choosing that person even when life is hard, they are hurtful or any of a dozen other things. Being in love is great, but there has to be more than just fuzzy feelings or it won’t last, especially when life gets hard and stress reveals neither of you are the best person you first revealed to one another.
Too true. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!
For me in love is a feeling but I love you is a choice.
Absolutely!
Interesting and challenging post. In Life – Love is CHOICE – through good, bad, mundane till death do is part. Hubby and I have been married 48 years, as are many of our friends. Not sure I always pay particular attention in fictional reading to the difference. Best wishes.
I haven’t always paid attention either, but recently I’ve been reading differently. Probably my brain is just wired weirdly. 😆
I’m not sure I had given it that much thought. I mean, I know loving someone is a choice and action, but I hadn’t really noticed the different uses in the novels I read. Can’t say I’ll be reading them with the same lens now, lol. Thanks for pointing it out!
Lol! Glad to help. 😆 Hope I didn’t mess you up too badly. Haha!
I had never thought of it, but I loved how you defined them! This was definitely interesting to read
Thank you so much, Angeline! I’m glad you took the time to read today. 😊
I don’t know if I really thought about it.
A lot of people haven’t, apparently. 😅 Could just be I’m a strange little word nerd. 😆
There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. Truthfully, I’ve not paid attention to the verbage in the novels I’ve read. But, I’m sure I will now. Thanks for pointing out the differences–and how the other person might react to the declaration to either one of these.
Thanks for commenting, Lindi!
I’ve never actually thought about it before, but you do make lots of valid points!! I think I’ve always seen them as bein the same.
A lot of people do! Maybe it’s just because I’m such a word nerd and nuance is important to me in language. 🤷🏼♀️
Welcome today. This is a wonderful post. I agree with you. As the story progresses, they are falling in love with all that entails and as it starts coming to the end they need to own those feelings and make something of them lasting. Just like real life.
Amen! I feel like in-love is definitely part of the discovery process, and both being in-love and loving require nurturing to maintain, but they’re very different!
Interesting distinction, Jaycee. I’ve never really thought about it that way. Being in love is a place… it’s more passive. Loving someone is an action. Huh. I’ll ponder that.
Thanks, Valerie! I was having this discussion with a friend the other day because we keep seeing it in books lately and it drives us both crazy. Lol! It’s probably more nuanced than I’m giving it credit for being, but we all have our peeves I suppose! 🤣
In love always seemed more appropriate for falling in love. Saying I love you indicates the character taking responsibility, standing for their feelings, so much more affirmative – definitely more my preference than the passive form.
Exactly my thoughts. “I think I’m in love!” Is fine for the discovery phase, but I always feel like waiting to use the world LOVE has so much more punch when they affirm it. Great comment, thank you!
I love this post! So true that the two sayings have such different meanings. Thanks for writing this and sharing the differences. I’ve already pre-ordered the 80’s RomCom so looking forward to reading your story in the set.
Thank you so much! On both counts! 😊
Don Francisco sings a song ” Love is not a feeling it’s an act of the will”. God chooses to love us. After we have had the initial spine tingling romance of ‘ in love’, there comes a time when we choose to love, we choose to commit in a 1 Corinthians 13 way.
To me, loving someone has a depth that ‘in love ‘ can never have.
My point exactly! Yes!
Kind of like Lori above, I tend to see more the breakup of “I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” As if being in love is something mystical and outside of our control.
To me it’s the same and if characters make a distinction, it’s a cop out in my brain. You choose to love. You choose to be in love. No decision should ever be 100% based on feelings.
I think that’s why there’s a distinction in my mind—because it has been used so often as a negative cop out like you and Lori described. So when characters proclaim they’re “in love,” it feels almost like a preamble to that potential cop out, versus “I love you,” which doesn’t leave room for flighty decisions because it’s a conscious effort to choose TO love.
Uff I hate that “I love you but I’m not in love with you” is used in so many secular books as an explanation for why the heroine leaves her “boring” boyfriend good guy, lifelong best friend to the bad guy who is hot and makes her feel all kinds of crazy. Even before I became a Christian, it was clear to me that the phrase was more like “I love you but I don’t have these crazy butterflies for you or this great lust that makes me feel like this dangerous bad boy.”
I haven’t really thought about the phrases. Lol, all I can think of is my ex telling me he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me.
Makes sense. I think such situations are why it bugs me so much when people use “I’m in love with you” as a declaration of actual love. Because in love implies you can be out of love, and that’s heartbreaking!
I have never thought they were different. It was interesting reading what the differences were.
Thanks for reading!